[Another pause in the replies. Shinjiro all but rips out the earpiece just in case so he can curl up on himself and ride out the wave of shaking he wouldn't be able to identify as a panic attack without risking transmitting any of it. Once he feels like he can breathe again, he puts the earpiece back in.]
the kid still deserves to have his mom back i ruined his life i oughta fix it, now that i've got the chance but we're gonna ruin other people's on the way i should've just fucking stayed dead
it aint always gonna be shitty people we take the orb from
[He recognizes, for all his baggage, that these Families are not good people. They're not innocent bystanders, like Amada's mother. They are, arguably, doing more harm with the Orb than their team will have in any self-defense to obtain it. Still.]
the girl in the last place was already screwed but she aint like these families she was just tryin to save people maybe in the next place someone like her doesn't want to hand the orb over we just take it, that's nothing but repeating what i did to amada but on purpose this time
I ain't gonna commit to a system that stomps over other people while using our goals as a means to an end.
And maybe you shouldn't turn time back on a regret. You can't just swallow up someone else's pain even if you wanna save them from it.
The only thing a person can do is own it. And make it into power.
[ which is something erik has said before. even if he believes the orbs could help, it's a big if. and the minute he finds otherwise, he's ready to tear it down.
that doesn't make his motivations lofty. he may take the power for himself. work to his ends. plans within plans. but he's not lying. ]
cw generally suicidal themes throughout this thread
[Yet again, a pause. He knows the ice here is thin. But he did reach out to Erik looking for answers, and if he wants them, he has to understand where the older man is coming from.]
is the pain really better than having your dad back? you wouldn't be tempted at all?
[He means it as a legitimate question. It's true, what Erik noted. All Shinjiro's had is the guilt. He never wanted much for himself, even before his life fell apart. Back then, all he could imagine for himself was standing by Aki's side, drifting through life until it was finished with him. Their pain has come to define both of them, but for Shinji, there's nothing positive or meaningful about his own. It just represents everything about himself he wanted to disappear from the world.]
[ yeah, he'd be tempted. but erik knows having his father won't change what happened. it won't erase what happened to him and if he did, it would just mean that erik is content to live a blissful life and damn the consequences.
he is damning. he is damnable. he would hate for anyone to take a brush to his story. if he wants to remove his actions, he's doing it out of his own volition.
complicated, but erik always is. ]
I'd be tempted, but it wouldn't fix what happened to him and why. It's also my fucking pain. Who gets to decide what happens to it but me?
[Ah. It strikes him all over again, what this reminds him of. Aki, swearing to become strong enough to do what's right. Aki, telling him to move on from the past, when it's the very reason for everything he does too.]
yknow sometimes i don't get you all this about it bein your own pain and not somethin anyone should touch but you wanna fix everyone else's change the whole goddamn world how come yours is the only pain that oughta stick around?
[There's a layer of hypocrisy to this; Shinjiro doesn't believe he deserves to be happy, either. But he isn't like Erik. He doesn't aspire to make the world or Japan or even just Iwatodai a better place. He just wants to give one kid back the life he had before Castor came crashing into it.]
what's that even mean i'm the one who fucked his life up
[Part of the problem is there; he doesn't think of himself as someone suffering, even though he is. He doesn't think of himself as someone who needs help. He's not the same as Erik and Ken, who had their lives ruined by others.]
Edited (wait i had a better idea) 2021-10-09 04:28 (UTC)
i ain't stupid enough to think dyin was gonna fix shit for him in japan i just had to take responsibility better i kicked it than let it happen again here though hell already seen a skeleton guy and magic and a lady fallin over dead just to walk it off a minute later i could fix it here
[There's another gap. The next text appears a couple minutes later.]
he was eight it's only been two years not like he's grown up and gone to war and all that shit yet ain't it a coward move to have the chance to put his life back the way it was and throw it away because he might've gotten used to the pain?
But it's not just your pain. It's his too. And he doesn't get a say in any of this. If the role was reversed, you think you'd be down with someone coming over with a magic wand and waving it all away?
doesn't matter if i would or not i got someone killed if someone could turn back the clock so it never happened i don't got the right to complain about it
[He's not sure he would complain about it, honestly. Ever since that moment all he's wanted was to take it back. It's haunted him every night since, the moment the sky turned green with the strike of midnight. But either way, that's not the point, as far as he's concerned.]
[There's a hot anger that rises in Shinjiro's chest for an instant at the sarcasm, the kind that wants to scream you don't understand, but then ... maybe he does. Maybe he understands Amada's feelings better than Shinjiro ever could. The anger burns itself out fast, and he's left just...hollow. Tired.
There's no response for almost half an hour.]
he was going to kill himself after he'd killed me that was his plan for his future
[Although it's text, there's almost an aura of misery that permeates every word.]
[ erik's walked the worst of them. he's not surprised ken came to such a conclusion. ]
You wanna fix shit. But I'm guessing you haven't really spoken to the kid whose shit you wanna fix. You don't know what he wants. You don't really know what he needs. You're picturing some rosy ending where all is well.
This kid ain't got no agency. Doesn't matter how bad you feel about him, hell how much you care. You've made him your albatross and turned him into your guilt. And if just the idea of that pisses me off, I can't think he'd be thrilled.
you're wrong we lived under the same roof for a month i know he spent the last two years hunting me down because no one would believe it wasn't a drunk driver who killed her i know he planned to kill me on the anniversary, at the same spot she died even came out there for him when he asked
...it didn't go that way, obviously
[Erik can probably tell Shinjiro wouldn't be here if he'd felt he'd gotten his just desserts at the hand of the one he'd wronged.]
i wanna think he didn't off himself as soon as i was in the ground, but i don't know i ain't even supposed to be alive but i somehow got this one chance to make shit right what else am i supposed to do?
[ so shinji knows more. though if he knew that much, why all the waffling? kid asked for justice, not for a do-over. though maybe the kid has changed his mind. it happens. ]
Can't really tell you what to do and what you shouldn't. There's no way to check with him anyway. But there's never going to be a perfect answer or a perfect redemption where it's all fixed. No power can do that.
[Ken had changed his mind the moment he realized Shinjiro was already dying, that murder would be taking nothing away from him. It makes sense, given the cover-up. Ken had likely assumed that Shinjiro was living without regret or consequence while he was left alone to suffer. But it doesn't change the complicated circumstances under which things had ended, or the fact that he's been resurrected either by this mysterious Orb itself or the people connected with it, and that he doesn't know what else to do with this life but fix his last remaining regret.]
i ain't lookin for redemption don't think that's real anyway
[But what does he want, then? Maybe just to die in peace, an ending that's already been taken from him once.]
i didn't ask for any of this
[But now that he is alive, the guilt is too powerful to simply do nothing. If only it could be so easy.]
yeah i guess hard to think straight while you're dyin though honestly kinda thought it was some sorta hallucination at the time
[Some shadowy final dream about getting to resolve his regrets before death? sounds like the type of bullshit you see in the movies, anyway. He doesn't even remember what he said.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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the kid still deserves to have his mom back
i ruined his life
i oughta fix it, now that i've got the chance
but we're gonna ruin other people's on the way
i should've just fucking stayed dead
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So now you've looked behind the curtain. Doesn't mean it's the end.
But you gotta figure out where you wanna go from here.
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it aint always gonna be shitty people we take the orb from
[He recognizes, for all his baggage, that these Families are not good people. They're not innocent bystanders, like Amada's mother. They are, arguably, doing more harm with the Orb than their team will have in any self-defense to obtain it. Still.]
the girl in the last place was already screwed
but she aint like these families
she was just tryin to save people
maybe in the next place someone like her doesn't want to hand the orb over
we just take it, that's nothing but repeating what i did to amada but on purpose this time
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But we have options. We can figure out what the orbs are for. And maybe stop it all.
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that'd mean giving up on our own shit, wouldn't it?
[He's struggling with this idea in particular, honestly. Being alive and not working toward saving Amada's mother feels pointless.
But saving Amada's mother and leaving other bodies in her place feels equally so. It's a Catch-22, and threatens to swallow Shinjiro whole.]
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And maybe you shouldn't turn time back on a regret. You can't just swallow up someone else's pain even if you wanna save them from it.
The only thing a person can do is own it. And make it into power.
[ which is something erik has said before. even if he believes the orbs could help, it's a big if. and the minute he finds otherwise, he's ready to tear it down.
that doesn't make his motivations lofty. he may take the power for himself. work to his ends. plans within plans. but he's not lying. ]
cw generally suicidal themes throughout this thread
is the pain really better than having your dad back?
you wouldn't be tempted at all?
[He means it as a legitimate question. It's true, what Erik noted. All Shinjiro's had is the guilt. He never wanted much for himself, even before his life fell apart. Back then, all he could imagine for himself was standing by Aki's side, drifting through life until it was finished with him. Their pain has come to define both of them, but for Shinji, there's nothing positive or meaningful about his own. It just represents everything about himself he wanted to disappear from the world.]
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he is damning. he is damnable. he would hate for anyone to take a brush to his story. if he wants to remove his actions, he's doing it out of his own volition.
complicated, but erik always is. ]
I'd be tempted, but it wouldn't fix what happened to him and why. It's also my fucking pain. Who gets to decide what happens to it but me?
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yknow
sometimes i don't get you
all this about it bein your own pain and not somethin anyone should touch but you wanna fix everyone else's change the whole goddamn world
how come yours is the only pain that oughta stick around?
[There's a layer of hypocrisy to this; Shinjiro doesn't believe he deserves to be happy, either. But he isn't like Erik. He doesn't aspire to make the world or Japan or even just Iwatodai a better place. He just wants to give one kid back the life he had before Castor came crashing into it.]
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. . . Cuz my pain made me. It's part of who I am.
Might be the same for that kid too. Not saying he shouldn't live a life without it, but who would he be? Does he want to give that up?
You don't. Even though you gotta make amends, you don't wanna give up your pain either.
dang it one of my line breaks failed rip
i'm the one who fucked his life up
[Part of the problem is there; he doesn't think of himself as someone suffering, even though he is. He doesn't think of himself as someone who needs help. He's not the same as Erik and Ken, who had their lives ruined by others.]
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and being black and white is what got you into this mess of thinking it was an easy fix, a quick death and the story's over.
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i just had to take responsibility
better i kicked it than let it happen again
here though
hell
already seen a skeleton guy and magic and a lady fallin over dead just to walk it off a minute later
i could fix it here
[There's another gap. The next text appears a couple minutes later.]
he was eight
it's only been two years
not like he's grown up and gone to war and all that shit yet
ain't it a coward move to have the chance to put his life back the way it was and throw it away because he might've gotten used to the pain?
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But it's not just your pain. It's his too. And he doesn't get a say in any of this. If the role was reversed, you think you'd be down with someone coming over with a magic wand and waving it all away?
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i got someone killed
if someone could turn back the clock so it never happened i don't got the right to complain about it
[He's not sure he would complain about it, honestly. Ever since that moment all he's wanted was to take it back. It's haunted him every night since, the moment the sky turned green with the strike of midnight. But either way, that's not the point, as far as he's concerned.]
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Then by all means, play god in this kid's life. That'll never backfire on him or you. You've clearly given this a lot of thought.
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There's no response for almost half an hour.]
he was going to kill himself after he'd killed me
that was his plan for his future
[Although it's text, there's almost an aura of misery that permeates every word.]
how's it get worse for him than that?
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[ erik's walked the worst of them. he's not surprised ken came to such a conclusion. ]
You wanna fix shit. But I'm guessing you haven't really spoken to the kid whose shit you wanna fix. You don't know what he wants. You don't really know what he needs. You're picturing some rosy ending where all is well.
This kid ain't got no agency. Doesn't matter how bad you feel about him, hell how much you care. You've made him your albatross and turned him into your guilt. And if just the idea of that pisses me off, I can't think he'd be thrilled.
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we lived under the same roof for a month
i know he spent the last two years hunting me down because no one would believe it wasn't a drunk driver who killed her
i know he planned to kill me on the anniversary, at the same spot she died
even came out there for him when he asked
...it didn't go that way, obviously
[Erik can probably tell Shinjiro wouldn't be here if he'd felt he'd gotten his just desserts at the hand of the one he'd wronged.]
i wanna think he didn't off himself as soon as i was in the ground, but i don't know
i ain't even supposed to be alive
but i somehow got this one chance to make shit right
what else am i supposed to do?
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Can't really tell you what to do and what you shouldn't. There's no way to check with him anyway. But there's never going to be a perfect answer or a perfect redemption where it's all fixed. No power can do that.
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i ain't lookin for redemption
don't think that's real anyway
[But what does he want, then? Maybe just to die in peace, an ending that's already been taken from him once.]
i didn't ask for any of this
[But now that he is alive, the guilt is too powerful to simply do nothing. If only it could be so easy.]
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[ they do ask. even erik has enough sense to admit that much. ]
You just didn't think it through.
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hard to think straight while you're dyin though
honestly kinda thought it was some sorta hallucination at the time
[Some shadowy final dream about getting to resolve his regrets before death? sounds like the type of bullshit you see in the movies, anyway. He doesn't even remember what he said.]
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Guess you got to figure out your next steps.
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i dunno, might just be fucked
askin you advice was about all i got for ideas
[Unfortunately he is getting the Vibe that he's exhausted whatever answers Erik has to give, at this point.]
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